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I’ve Found Grace in my Limitations

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Friends, this blogpost has been a work in progress. Here’s how it started:

 

I’m tired of being imperfect. It’s getting really frustrating at this point having to exist as a fallible human being. You’d think I would’ve made peace with my limitations by now, but unfortunately, that’s not the case…

 

And immediately after typing that, I tweaked a muscle in my neck and had to lay prone on the floor for several minutes. Then the rest of my week became a cycle of ice, rest, and becoming more aware of my physical limitations. Thankfully it is much better now, but yikes “Pride cometh before a fall” was felt very acutely.

Have you made peace with your limitations? Have you accepted your boundaries? A friend once reminded me that boundaries are nice little picket fences with gates that let people and commitments in and out. Walls are stone blockades that don’t let sunshine, people, or anything in and end up isolating you. And open fields are impossible to maintain.

Last week was the Sara Groves concert, which served as a benefit concert for Syrian Refugees through World Vision (learn more here if you’d like: Crying for their country).I heard a message in the Sara Grove’s lyrics, a reminder that sometimes in life we are given a load that is too heavy to carry, but yet we are propelled forward to find a solution.

And I pray for an idea
And a way I cannot see
It’s too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave

-Sara Groves

This world asks much of us, and often takes more than we want to give. Even if our own lives seem to be going well, we are often burdened with the plight of others. Spending several summers working with children who had been neglected or abused I had to constantly remind myself of the small victories, and the small part I got to play. Because I couldn’t save those kids, and they often taught me far more than my meager knowledge could give them. But I still rejoiced in seeing them go on summer field trips for the first time — seeing one child conquer her fears and ride a horse. Did she completely meltdown several minutes later? Yes, but she didn’t remember that part. She remembered riding on a real, live, horse and that we worked together to get her there.

What fears do you need to face and conquer? Who do you need to ask for help?

A wonderful lady who worked alongside me last year, put together a notebook full of beautiful shots of nature. She said that research had shown that even just LOOKING at a picture of a nature has the same calming effects as being in nature. How incredible and awesome is our world that the Creator has made for us, that even just a snapshot can inspire awe?

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You’re Welcome 😉

 

 

I know this,
There is beauty in the way of things

– OH Hellos, “There Beneath”

There is so much beauty in this heavy world of ours. As we carry our burdens around like weary travelers, occasionally, the Ultimate Tour Guide of life prompts us to stop and see things through his eyes. Our eyes are warped and seeing dimly, and his see clearly. I found unlikely beauty in the alley behind the cake shop. I know, I know, instagrammers and band album covers have long known that brick walls are great for photo ops. But do you find beauty in it when you are there? When there’s no filter and you can smell the odors drifting over from the Mexican restaurant mixed with the scent of boiling oranges? The overflowing recycling bins and the sun desperately trying to peek out between the buildings?

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Untitled Alley.

 

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Iced Coconut Latte, friends!

Who doesn’t love the look of unstirred iced coffee? The dark and light are separated. Briefly meeting in between. Then you take a spoon to mix it up and the perfect contrast is ruined. At least you get to drink a cold, sweet treat.

I don’t know about you, but my life feels like such a contrast. the good, is very very good and the bad is terribly dark. And I want Christ to come and make things right, to reconcile it all.

 

 

 

I want to accept my limitations with grace. I want to embrace the beauty in my life with the eyes of Christ. This is my prayer.

 

 

-Katrina

 

 

 

Grief is a Beautiful Wreck

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Bellingham, the City of Subdued Excitement. 

This week is so strange to me. The sun came back, and I had a dream my Mom was still alive and I’ve been having this kind of dream ever since, well, she hasn’t been alive. I tell you this not to burden or worry you, but rather to find some sort of freedom for myself. Grief is a strange, strange, kaleidoscope of all your feelings, memories, and personal attributes. I’d like to think I’m akin to Joseph and he was a dreamer, and I’m a dreamer. It makes sense to me I’d have to wrestle with darkness and light when I’m awake and when I’m asleep. We like to focus on the Joseph who saved an entire country, and gloss over the fact that he dreamed and interpreted weird visions. Cows? Cows eating each other?

What else did Joseph dream?

Sometimes I think we ask our children and our young people to dream big futures for themselves. To reach for the stars. And we can’t or we choose not to tell them that it takes grit. And pain. and sometimes you reach Pluto, which isn’t really a star, but a planet. Sometimes a committee far, far away decides that your dream isn’t a planet anymore and gives you an arbitrary award. Basically, as I’m getting “older” I realize that the polished stories of people’s lives, often edit out the beautiful wrecks that happen along the way. Maybe the beautiful wrecks are just too personal.

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A wreck alludes to a shipwreck, and I believe that we often find ourselves floating in the midst of an ocean clinging to an oar or a barrel or whatever we can find. Like Paul and the prisoners floating towards an island. God knew they were going to find their vessel smashed to smithereens. There’s something striking about Paul trying to convince all of them that they’re going to survive. Paul is crazy, but there’s something true in his craziness.

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Best Foot Forward. Into the Sunshine. 

I hoped grief would disappear as soon as the first little green shoot of spring. I knew it wouldn’t happen, but some part of me still wanted it to be true. 

I didn’t want every heart-shaped cookie at work to remind me of the cookies we’d make together. I didn’t want the anniversary of her diagnoses to loom in front of me. Some part of me thought that if I made it through the shorter days of December and January, the rest would fall into place. But I’d be lying if didn’t say I’m content where I find myself. Yes, grief is still there. But there’s something sweet about being reminded of the people you love, even if they’re not here. There’s something that makes me feel strong about reaching milestones that I can’t tell her about, but I know she’d be celebrating.

I almost started crying because I perfectly spread whipped cream across a cheesecake. and learned how to pipe buttercream across a cupcake. I cried when a couple got engaged in the middle of a shift (a coworker stuck the ring in the middle of cream cheese frosting). Then I almost cried telling a random person about it, (because she almost started crying about how sweet it was). So yeah, I’m a little bit of a hot mess, covered in sugary, buttery frosting. But I’m alright with that.

 

 

K

 

I Love You a Latte

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That’s a model employee right there! Humble, too.

I’ve been barista trained! Check it off the bucket list. Some of you may have extravagant things listed on your own bucket list, but mine has always been about the small things. Like being able to do french braids, skip rocks, and make a darn good latte. The “big” things seem to be gifts that fall into your lap, whereas the little things in life get pushed underneath the rug and before you know it your life just isn’t quite as rich as it could be. You’ve climbed Everest, but you don’t know how to listen to someone for more than 15 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, “Mountain Top” experiences are incredible, but only if supplemented by daily joys.

 

February 14th approaches, and like a giant snowstorm some of you are ridiculously excited and others are burrowing in, shutting the doors and windows, and lamenting it’s arrival.  This was my childhood experience:

Pink and red tablecloths, sparkling pink lemonade, a bag taped to the back of every chair for valentines, hearts everywhere, and at a least 15 girls under the age of 12 running around with bows in their hair. Don’t forget a heart themed craft at the end.

My Mom went totally over. the. top. It was wonderful. My favorite part was the plastic champagne glasses with sparkling lemonade. So fancy! Needless to say, I associated Valentines Day with a giant party with fun crafts, and not with needing/wanting/lamenting a significant other. I’d wish I could brag and say that I remembered that spirit forever and was never bummed out on Feb. 14th ever again, but alas, angst happens. It makes me a better writer now.

If Valentines Day is tough for you this year, I ask you to please, please, please, just make one valentine for someone. Even if it’s for your skinny love, unrequited love, or roommate. It’s up to you if you send it.

Skinny Love

when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it.
One year, after an early morning swim practice my teammates took car pens and decorated all my windows with hearts and “We Love YOU”s! Gosh, that meant the world to me. I didn’t wash it off for weeks.
Yesterday, was the one year anniversary of my husband and I’s engagement. What a day of pure joy. I’ll always remember Jesse standing outside my house with a giant bouquet of blue flowers. He still has the lyrics to the song he wrote me taped to the side of our guitar.

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When I tell people that I’m a newlywed they usually ask “How did he propose?” and every time I tell the story I blush a little bit cause I can’t stop gushing about the little details. A notebook with stories and entries of our dates, a beautiful bouquet, a song played on the edge of Whatcom Falls. Confetti guns and our friends re-writing the lyrics to “Uptown Funk” just for us. It was a 1 year and 4 months of weekly date nights. 1 year and 4 months of funny conversations and shared jokes. Holding hands and nervous butterflies meeting each other’s family. First fight and first kiss. Cooking together and going to parks. All the little moments came together, and now we could finally celebrate.
We didn’t know what the next month would bring, and frankly we didn’t care beyond that moment. What a memory.
Speaking of not knowing the future, I believe that is a common trait we all share. Sure, we get glimpses or hopes or fears, or a the dentist appointment reminder call we didn’t want to remember for the future. You don’t get to know all of the details, or the moments. A year ago all I really knew was “I’m marrying Jesse soonish.” And that was enough for then. What’s enough for today? I’m not sure. Perhaps a quiet morning with a cinnamon sugar latte and a short devotional.
It’s exciting to see ideas take shape and then become reality. Even more exciting, though, is when God’s ideas take form…When baby Moses comes along, we’re ready for something amazing to happen. It will be from this unassuming moment that God will do the least expected.
-John D. Barry
It will be from the most unassuming moment that God will do the least expected. A cute guy comes to the Rec Center where you work and tries to use his friend’s ID card to get in, and then you marry him 3 years later (true story). You start to nanny a baby, and then end up becoming practically extended family. You become last minute roommates with a friend-of-friend who turns out to be spiritual warrior. A baby is born to rescue a whole group of oppressed peoples. (In no particular order).
The work and effort you are putting in now, the little unassuming moments, are the building blocks of the sweet and precious mountain top experiences. The work you put in now may be the only thing you can hold on to when the storm comes. To put it into another layer of metaphor:

PUT YOUR RUNNING SHOES ON!

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(Metaphorically). (Or not metaphorically, because running is good for you).
The race isn’t over, people. Tie up those laces and be ready to walk, jog, run or crawl (We all have those seasons). Don’t be discouraged!

Discipline in a Long-Distance Race

12 1-3 Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Hebrews 12:1-3, The Message.

Phew! This is a long post for me which, frankly, might have been influenced by sampling a lot of new espresso drinks I’ve made.

 

What ‘unassuming moments’ do you know recognize as being pivotal in your life?

– K