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Mom’s Love Letter

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My husband Jesse and I decided to tackle reorganizing our closet, which we have been calling our “room of requirement” for the last couple of years. In the closet was a bin of mementos from my childhood. Nestled at the bottom of a Rubbermaid bin was my baby book, illustrated with a cartoon bear family dressed in Victorian clothes (gotta love early ‘90s aesthetics).

This baby book was like a time machine, ready to transport me back to the first few months of my life. I wish I could ask my mom about this time rather than gleaning all I can from these pages, but my mom passed away from cancer six years ago. I can’t call her up and ask “Hey, mom, what do you remember?” so these handwritten notes are like paper airplanes flying from heaven. 

On the last page of my baby book, I found a short letter my mom had written to baby me in the year 1992:

“Dear Katrina, mom hopes that you learn early how much God loves you and that you would commit your life to Jesus.”

My mom was not an especially sentimental person. She would have much rather shown love through making you a meal, teasing you, or bragging about you behind your back (sometimes accomplishing all three at the same time). Now that I’m expecting my first kid, I feel connected to her in a new way since losing her. I’d trade these scraps of memories for her physical presence in a heartbeat, but I can’t ignore the weight these messages have, as if they are a piece of my mom caught in the in between of heaven and earth. 

I think heaven and earth are a whole lot closer than any of us think. In fact, I think heaven may be as close as the threads of memory we have of loved ones on “the other side.”

 Heaven is found in the prayers and plans of our loving Father who gently guides us along the path of courage and not fear. 

Heaven is our many hopes and dreams being planted before we’ve even accomplished anything. 

Heaven transforms a guest room into a nursery, not overnight like a home makeover show, but piece by piece like a puzzle coming together at just the right moment. 

Heaven is a letter wishing you knew how much God loves you. Not all of us had parents who prayed these prayers over us before they knew who we were—but God was singing over you and has been writing in your book this whole time. 

“For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since youth. From birth I have relied upon you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Psalm 71:5-6

I hope you experience and know how much God loves you, and that you would commit your wild and precious life to Jesus.

I Don’t Know if I’ll Ever Come Back

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“I don’t know if I can come back from this,”

I thought to myself as I left my mom’s bedroom, where she lay dying. My eyes were stinging at the corners as I held back tears. 
 
I was twenty-three years old when I helped to take care of my mom as she rapidly succumbed to stage-four lung cancer. I did not expect to step into this role for at least another few decades. How does someone come back from this? I wondered often.
 
I watched as the bright light of her life tapered down to a single candle. I felt like someone cupping their hands around a flame, trying to keep the warmth around for a little bit longer.
 
To keep the light going long enough to say goodbye.
 
The time for praying for a miracle had ended. All that remained was to pray for endurance, and to thank God that her suffering had an ending date. That complete and utter healing was going to happen in his arms, and not mine.
 
I had to let go of that precious flame, and give it into the hands of the light of the world.

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Let’s Talk About Therapy!

I was perched on the edge of my seat like a bird about to take flight. My coat was still on and I had hastily set my purse beside my feet.

Was I really here, again?

By the way my therapist gave a small compassionate smile towards me, I knew she could sense how uncomfortable I was. As the appointment ended, she kindly reminded me that the beginning is usually the hardest and encouraged me to return.

She’s got my number. Shoot. Guess I have to come back next week…

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Have you ever been to therapy? Was it helpful for you?

I’ve found therapy useful in the past, and I’m currently in therapy. First, I went for a couple sessions after working with foster kids and feeling major burnout and not knowing how to set good boundaries. The next year, my mom died from cancer two months after my wedding, and I knew it was time to go back. When I moved to Oregon a couple years later, I found that my grief had followed me there and my husband encouraged me to go back to therapy. God has spoken through and challenged me by using the wise words of mental health professionals.

Every time I’ve gone to therapy it’s been so good, even when it’s difficult. to start going to therapy until I felt like I had a “major” problem. It made the decision to return after my mom died less intimidating since I knew I’d found it helpful in the past.

Therapy is not something we often talk about, and I know it’s slightly uncomfortable to admit in our current culture that we can’t always solve our problems with grit and gumption alone (although these are great qualities to have). But some of the strongest people I know are ones who accept help when they need it.

Therapy doesn’t automatically fix everything wrong in your life, just like showing up at a gym doesn’t make you automatically swole. You have to be willing to commit and find someone to work with you who is a good fit.

I emailed my pastor here in Eugene two year ago when I realized I needed to go back to counseling. I read over the list of recommendations, and then I shut my laptop screen and agonized for days over it. How do you pick someone to talk about the things you don’t want to talk about with anyone? What would it feel like to “start over,” in a new town with a new therapist? What if my problems weren’t big enough for therapy? What if they were too much? Could we afford it?

Oftentimes, when it’s time for us to take a big step in the right direction for our holistic health, there’s some self-sabotage from our own brains. It’s like the devil knows you’re walking on the tightrope of indecision right before a big breakthrough and he’s trying to give you all these doubts as a last-ditch measure to stop you. Expect some pushback and/or spiritual warfare when you make the decision to go to therapy.

The email with the names of recommended therapists sat in my inbox. All I needed to do next was pick up the phone and call. That night I had a dream that a woman of color sat beside me in bright white chairs and we were in a therapy session. Don’t underestimate the spiritual power of a good night’s sleep when you’re overwhelmed.

The next day, I decided to look up the website for the first therapist on the list. The photo posted on the bio part of the website was the same face I’d seen in my dream. My heart started beating fast .The Lord had my number. God already knows what we’re thinking before we even say it out loud.

Finding a therapist, for me, was a mix of being practical and also a little bit supernatural. It doesn’t always work that way, but God knew I needed a big push this time. Taking big steps towards healing and growth are always a little bit scary.

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Something happened between therapy sessions three or four; it may have been the soothing Caribbean accent of my counselor, or the opportunity to talk about hard stuff again, but a wave of peace finally enveloped me. I wasn’t going anywhere this time.

I leaned back in my chair and took my coat off.

“So I’ve been dealing with this thing lately…”

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Do you feel like during this season of upheaval it may be time for you to gather some courage and find a therapist for yourself?

How to Find a Therapist

  • Look up counselors in your area using psychology today’s therapist database (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists). You can even search for a counselor that shares your faith background if that’s important to you. Most counselors are willing to do video or phone sessions right now.
  • Call your insurance and see what options you have (you got this!!)
  • Ask someone you trust, such as a pastor, for recommendations*.
    *Seeing a therapist is different from meeting with a pastor to talk. That’s spiritual mentorship, which is very valuable, but it’s not the same.