In college, you can build relationships easily because of a common shared experience: you’re all students!

As soon as you walk across the stage and accept that diploma, you may find yourself suddenly untethered from your previous community. You might interact with your coworkers more than anyone else. You might move back in with your parents. You might be considering going back to school, peace corps, or traveling for a bit. Maybe you’re getting married or even starting a family.

Post-college friendships, on the other hand, slow waaaaay down.

Don’t beat yourself up if your friendships look different. It’s hard to make friends post-college. Not impossible but challenging. After I graduated college, I changed jobs four times, got married, and my mom passed away. In the next few years, I slowly watched my college friends move away from our college town. Then it was my turn to move away and I had to make new friends while attempting to maintain old friendships that were dear to me.

These experiences taught me some hard lessons and I hope you find some gems of wisdom here to apply to your own life.

1. Be Curious and Courteous.

Show genuine interest in people’s lives by asking a few good questions that don’t require a simple “yes or no answer.” Be courteous by saying “it was great talking with you!” before you leave the conversation instead of slowly backing away towards the restroom cause you’re feeling awkward.

2. Make Connections.

“How did you meet _______? (a mutual acquaintance)” Sometimes casually reminding people of how they started something in the past opens them up to the idea of starting a new friendship in the moment.

3. Try Something New!

I joined a fitness class with people in their 50’s who regularly kicked my butt. At first, I was like, “I hate this,” and but I stuck with it and it wasn’t long before I started to love it. Was it the place I expected to find community? No. But I would’ve never known if I hadn’t tried.

4. Invest Your Time and Energy Wisely.

Spend your energy where there is interest and opportunity — from both sides. These are two good ingredients in a friendship: you like each other and you have similar interests and/or time to invest in each other. Truth: Following someone on Instagram and liking their posts doth not a true friendship make.

5. Embrace both Seasonal and Life-long Friendships.

Some friendships are ‘for a time’ and some are for life – and that’s OK. Approach your friendships with thankfulness and faithfulness. Be grateful for the time you get with people and show up for those God puts in your path.

6. Be Practical.

You need friends who will help you move, bring you meals, and go to the doctor with you. Our culture says adulthood is about being independent but I’m finding it’s about knowing how to ask for help when you need it and offering it to others when you can. That’s being an adult.

7. Leave Flex Time in Your Schedule.

Is it the quality of time or the quantity of time that is most important for healthy relationships? The answer: both! If you spread yourself too thin, there will be no time left for spontaneous pasta parties or trips to remote lakes with friends and who wants that??

8. Befriend Fellow Outsiders.

Regardless of how privileged you are –most of us have experienced feeling left out or being the totally new, freaked-out person at some point in our lives. When this feeling hits, try striking up a conversation with another “new” person or someone else who might also be feeling on the “outside.”

9. Be Willing to be Vulnerable.

I know it’s hard but be willing to take initiative and send that text inviting someone to watch a game or meet you for coffee. Send a funny meme, bring them dinner, sit next to them. Tell them about your weird embarrassing summer herding goats. Being vulnerable in friendship, with healthy boundaries, is well worth the risk as it opens people up to do likewise. Go for it!!

10. Cultivate a Rich Inner Life.

Ask a trusted roommate or spouse, to help you see any blind spots you might have in your friendships. Go to counseling if you haven’t yet and work on your own personal growth. Pursue interests and hobbies you can share. If you’re a Christian, try practicing a new spiritual discipline.

11. Pray for Friendships.

I saved the best for last. God often surprises and scares me by answering this prayer in places I never expected. I went to a game night last summer where I only knew one friend and ended up gaining a whole new group of girlfriends. I also have found community by watching babies for the mom’s group at my church and met people there. You never know!

Friendship is a series of invitations — into people’s homes, their lives, their triumphs and struggles. It requires both initiating and accepting.

Now that you’ve gleaned all this friendship wisdom: here’s some good news! The world “outside” of college includes ALL ages. This is a great time to reconnect with older generations and younger people again. Friendship is slower, but it can be richer too.

You get to cheer each other through happy milestones and heart wrenching losses at a new level that wasn’t possible before.

I hope you embrace your post-college community in all its slow-burning glory!

Jesus created us to always be creating new friendships while maintaining those longer, life-time friendships. We are relational people, regardless of our stage in life

What do friendships look like in your stage of life?

What tools and resources do you have available to you to find and create community?